hope!

I've never walked through a season quite like this one. I don't necessarily even have the words to describe it. but I want to give Him glory by trying.

laying down my pride. laying down my desires. laying down my expectations. these are the common threads through this chapter He has been writing into my story. and with each situation where I had to lay myself down again, I heard the same question whispered: "do you really mean it when you say I'm enough for you?"

I had grown comfortable with my life being "God and..."

God and comfort. God and stability. God and a schedule. God and a feeling of belonging. God and a consistent community.

you get the picture.

those are all very normal human desires. there's nothing WRONG about wanting these things, as long as there is recognition that God's desires often do not match our own and His will always win out in the end.

God's will did not look like my own in this chapter. every one of those "ands" that I mentioned were stripped from me, plus some. and I'll just admit: I questioned, I wrestled, and deep down I believed I had been dealt an unfair hand.

it took me a while to become softened enough to be willing to see Him in it.

My life had gone from being "God and..." to "God." and while my initial response was not one of willing submission, the Father is gentle and kind. and He patiently led me to see how just "God" not only could, but WOULD be enough for me.

when financial security and a job was stripped, HE- in ways I still don't comprehend- provided the money in my bank account to pay the bills. when any sense of belonging was stripped, HE provided an across the street family who made space in their lives for me. when situations and hurt took my identity and ripped it to shreds, HE provided voices to speak hope, truth and love back into my soul. when what I wanted and planned for my future was removed from my reach, HE and HE alone provided the courage to step forward and give Him my yes within the unknown.

HE provided everything I needed. I didn't find any of it on my own. in fact, it was when I stopped fighting so hard to figure it all out myself that He provided manna. daily bread, daily strength, daily hope.

I don't say any of this to glaze over how difficult this season of my life has been. and if you've been in a similar feeling season-- know it's okay to acknowledge that. acknowledging that you aren't where you want to be does not mean your faith is lacking, nor does it hinder you from giving glory to the Father right where you're at.

over the past months, I have clung to this: suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. and what I've been realizing about this hope is that it's found in deeper intimacy with God. more hope is found the more deeply we know Him. it's not hope that things on this earth are going to get better or that the next season will be one of blessing. it's hope that is rooted in knowing that we serve a King who is returning to defeat all hurt, suffering and death forever. and it's hope that rests in assurance of having all that is needed until the day when He arrives again.

I am more sure of Him, more sure of His faithfulness, more sure of His heart than before. and that is because He has cultivated deeper hope in my soul within a season of suffering. hope who's longing is maranatha! come Lord Jesus! hope who can hardly wait for the return of the Savior!

He is enough. in Him-- dwells everything our souls need.

so give Him glory! in the waiting! and hold on to hope!