never alone

"whether I come or go

Heaven or hell below

You ain't going anywhere"

~maverick city music

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I am someone who has always feared being alone. more than a couple hours without something on my to-do list and I would spiral. full on dive down a rabbit hole that was full of lies saying I wasn't enough, I was unloved, and I was irrelevant. none of these things are actual truth, but in those moments i truly believed them to be the case for my life. it was for this reason that my time with the Lord in this season was sparse and so unfruitful. i refused to sit still long enough for Him to actually speak truth to me, breathe life back into my frail spirit.

now that I look back, I know that this season of my life had to have hurt the Father's heart so much. to have a daughter that failed to see her Father's arms opened wide to welcome her in the midst of an otherwise empty room. who chose to feel overwhelmed by the lack of "decorations" and distractions that the one standing at the center of this room, calling out to her, became invisible to her eyes. who ran the other direction the second she realized that there was no other human walking in there with her.

for so long i felt like every second spent alone was suffocating, and had fomo literally surrounding my life at all angles. life was so incredibly loud, the enemy using anything and everything he could to distract from the only One who is actually important. and man oh MAN what a good job he did with that for such a long period- it took alot of time for me to allow the Father to pull my heart back into Himself.

so here's what changed- i realized that choosing alone time didn't mean ignoring the people and things around me and choosing to hermit myself up. choosing to spend time alone simply became a choice to spend time with my best friend. choosing to take a pause, take a breath, and allow His glory and grace to rest upon me. dwelling in Him, listening to His voice, lifting up His praises in thanksgiving. we all crave time with our friends right- getting to see their hearts and growing closer with every minute spent together. so WHY then do we not see our relationship with the Lord the same way? why does it feel so unnatural at times to choose Him over other things that we know are merely background noise? why does He become a sort of second choice when other opportunities arise? i'll say it- that simply is no way to treat a best friend.

i'm sure you can see where i'm going with this- there has to be a perspective shift before there can be any real change. a choice. our God is one that gives us free will does He not? to see a change in thought patterns regarding how time is spent and our views on time alone, we first and foremost must declare Jesus to be our best friend. declare and constantly remind. choose every morning to see Him as such- and the anxiety surrounding time spent in solitude WILL change. priorities will shift. and what once had such a tight grip on our minds and hearts will become our greatest joy- time spent at the Father's feet, allowing Him to overflow His great love over every part of us!

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the corner where i spend time

with my best friend,

my Jesus <3