not healed ; not lacking

here is where I lay it down, you are all I'm chasing now.

this is my surrender.

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mental health. been a struggle for me for a long time I'll admit it. the enemy knows our weak spots, and man oh man has he used mine to draw me away from my Father, putting strain on the relationship that is meant to be my lifeline. I was fed the lie that I am alone in my trials and heart hurts- and I truly believed that for a long time. a life lived alone is a life lived selfishly; and that's what my life was. lived selfishly. always seeking things for me, my healing, my peace and my prayers answered. I cannot say that time of my journey brought me closer to Jesus. it did not bring me fulfillment. and it did not "fix" anything that I was so desperately seeking healing for. instead, it was altogether a train wreck, only further damaging my already smashed up soul.

it's always been my plan to tattoo a semi-colon on my wrist (https://projectsemicolon.com/) when I felt that I finally had healing from the the anxiety and dark thoughts that have so persistently plagued my mind. I had spent years fighting against lies that felt so real, struggling against scary beliefs that had a chokehold on my life. the semi-colon was to be my permanent reminder that I am stronger than those thoughts; and I am strong enough to continue on with my story. I truly thought that healing was the right thing to be seeking after, and that there was no way that my loving God would choose to keep me in that place of struggle. and boy, how much frustration and anger took root in my heart when the healing did not come, when so many prayers felt so ignored, so neglected.

it wasn't till much later, after many many months of resentment toward my mind; and to be quite honest, the Lord, sitting in the office of someone I now call a sweet mentor, that the veil was removed from my eyes. the healing I had been on my knees, begging for for so long, was altogether the wrong point of focus. being "fixed" simply could not be something that I put on a pedestal, actively choosing to hold it in higher esteem than I did the Lord's presence. healing had become an idol in my life; and the King above was nudging my heart back to a place of choosing to pursue Him regardless of circumstance. it may should be classified as more of a push and less of a nudge, but nevertheless it was a result of my Jesus' overwhelming love refusing to let me go, refusing to give up on me. reminding me continually- He is Jireh. always enough when I feel the weight of the truth that on my own, I am not.

it was in that office I finally grasped that the Lord, in His kindness, may very well choose to never bring healing to the broken parts of my mind. I may walk through the rest of my life, in constant combat with the enemy and the lies he brings to the frontlines of my mind. and you know what? I'm okay with that. because I finally see clearly- it's not about me. it's not my story, but His. He is the perfect author, compiling a story that is written with so much love, so much grace, so much faithfulness. were I to remove the pen from my good author's hand, the story I would write would be one of wreckage, pain and confusion. my human mind simply does not have the capacity to produce a fulfilling story, only capacity enough to write what might make me happy in a singular fleeting moment. the story my Creator is composing for me will include hard things, yes, but realize we live in a broken world. a world that the enemy so clearly has his hand in, constantly stirring up trials and hardships. our God is good though, and uses those pains to teach us the beauty of vulnerability and kindly draw us nearer to Himself. I'll be the first to say it- vulnerability is HarD, and scary. but wow does it allow us the chance to encourage the hearts and souls around us back to the throne of grace. knelt at His feet is the best place for us, where the Father speaks tenderly and lifts the weight of hurt off our shoulders and replaces it with the grace and mercy of the Most High.

so, this tattoo, the one I got on a whim an hour before boarding my plane to leave sweet Tyler Texas, is now a humbling reminder. my reminder that my story is not over. but, rather than placing the glory on myself for having the strength to continue on, it reminds me to place the glory back on the one who deserves it. no, my story is not over, because my sweet Jesus gave His life for my story to be possible. who am I to end my sentence when the ultimate price was paid for it to continue, for it to be a living example of the Father's unrelenting love for me? the enemy is strong, but my God is stronger. and I trust He will be walking hand-in-hand with me, speaking words of strength and grace into my ear to give me the endurance to continue on. so, until the day I am called home, I live with the knowledge that the perfect author is using my life's story for my good and His mighty glory. and WOW, what peace I now claim with this understanding! He is God; and I am not. yeah... that is truly the best news one could ever receive. and I now genuinely choose to see each and everyday as a blessing- it's His breath in my lungs, and what an honor it is to be a vessel for the one who is my best friend and King!!! actively choosing to pour out His joyful praise in all circumstances - oH so many shiny moments He has waiting on the other side of stepping into life with His Spirit and abiding in the midst of His unending grace!!

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"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you." ~Isaiah 26:3